Well That Didn't Work
by AceGray
Summary: Revamp in progress of What'shisname vs. the world. A stirring romance that will change the course of the world. Or not.
1. The implausible begining

This is a revamp of What's his name vs. the world. If you read the first one, this'll be better; it'll make more sense hopefully, but I will use a few more curse words. As all of the chapters are written, hopefully I'll get it out soon. If some part of the story seems disconnected, it's because I changed a part, and I haven't gotten to that chapter yet. I really hope everyone enjoys this.

Well That Didn't Work: A Story of Romance or Something

Chapter One: The Unlikely Begining

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were all in Hogsmeade on one of the school excursions. (obviously, Ginny's friends were all ummm sick, so she had no one else to hang out with) They were wandering aimlessly when the group heard a small pop. Harry looked around slowly, but then felt a tap on his right shoulder.

Harry looked to the right, which was completely deserted. He looked to the left, directly into the insanely grinning face of Lord Voldemort.

Except, it didn't look like Voldemort; it looked like a sixteen-year-old Tom Riddle. Still, looking into an insanely grinning face when you're not expecting it is rather startling, and Harry, quite justifiably, screamed.

"Hello Harry. We meet again," Voldemort said smoothly.

"Harry? Who is that?" Ginny asked, rather breathlessly.

"I am Lord Voldemort!" said the evil wizard.

"You're too cute to be Voldemort!" Ginny blurted out.

"Is that a compliment?" he asked just as Harry said, "Hey! Whose side are you on?"

"_Anyway_, I've come to kill you, Harry!" Voldemort looked down his nose arrogantly.

"Well, I've kinda had time to prepare for it now." Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"I bet you weren't expecting _this_!" Voldemort said as he pulled a grenade out of his pocket with a flourish.

Ron asked, "What is that?" and Hermione replied, "It's a muggle device used for blowing things up. See you pull out that ring at the top and throw the grenade at something and it explodes."

"So you have to pull this thingy out?" Voldemort asked. He pulled the ring out and threw the grenade at Harry who caught it and threw it back.

"Well that didn't work." after saying this Voldemort tossed the grenade over his shoulder. The grenade then exploded, showering the entire group with dirt and leaving a gaping crater. "That definitely wasn't my best plan ever." Voldemort dusted himself off and prepared to leave.

"Oh here, take this." he took a two way mirror out of his voluminous pocket and tossed it to Ginny. He then made the "call me" sign and disapperated.

"Wow. That was seriously weird." Ron scratched his head.

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Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny trudged back to the castle, utterly bewildered by Voldemort's most recent attack. Harry and Ron tried to take the mirror, but Ginny held on to it muleishly. (I think that's a new addition to the English language; write it down and use it often) Soon after arriving at Hogwarts, the group went to dinner only to find the doors to the Great Hall blocked by a crowd of teeming teens.

"OK move along. Move along. You can all see from you seats." Professor McGonagall was shepherding the students like a crossing guard.

"I wonder what's going on." Hermione puzzled.

After getting to their seats they found that the chair for the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was not empty as it had been for the previous month or two.

Dumbledore stood up to announce "This is Professor Logan. He will be your new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. He's been absent all this time because he was out fighting evil and stuff. So anyways lets all give Professor Logan a big hand."

Professor Logan stood up. His hair was styled up into two earlike points and he was strangely wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

"Wait," said Ron "that looks exactly like Professor Lupin except with a new hairstyle and new clothes."

"Shut up, Ron." Hermione hissed "He's obviously in disguise."

"Oh… Yeah… OK, we're on the same page now." A look of dawning realization spread across his face.

"Great, Ron, now I can die happy," Hermione retorted.

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Later that night in the girl's dormitory, Ginny was doing her homework when she heard a noise coming from her bag. The girl rummaged franticly, trying to find the source of the sound.

"Why can't I ever find anything in here when I need it?" Ginny said, exasperated.

She finally looked in the front pocket and found that the mirror was producing the strange sound. Ginny hurriedly tried to straiten her hair then looked into the mirror.

"Hi Lord V…Vol…umm, hi." Ginny said as she mentally beat herself up.

"Please call me Tom. It would be…a bit easier on you" said the face in the mirror "I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me."

"I'd love to…Tom, but how am I going to get out of the school?"

"Sneak into the Forbidden Forest, and I'll pick you up there." With that the face of Tom Riddle disappeared. Ginny fell back on her bed and hugged the mirror.

"Now, the question is, what will I wear?" The red head muttered to herself as she picked through her clothes.

In the Forbidden Forest, the Dark Lord, master of evil, scourge of the wizarding world, was sitting on a stump sucking on a tick-tack and worrying.

"What am I doing? I feel like an idiot! I haven't been on a date in over thirty years! Wait… have I been on any dates, ever? All kinds of things have changed since I was really sixteen." He took a deep breath and smoothed back his hair. "Stop talking like that," The Dark Lord told himself "You are the most evil and powerful wizard ever! You're name makes every magical being quake, and you look good, darn good!"

The wizard whipped out a mirror and scanned his sixteen year old face for any sign of pimples. He smoothed back his hair, again, flashed a smile, then propped his chin on his fist and sighed.

Back at the ranch…er…castle, Hermione went into Ginny's room to check on the girl. She pulled the curtains on the bed back only to find a mirror. The bushy haired witch raced to Ron and Harry's room where she threw the mirror on the bed.

"We've got a problem." She said breathlessly

Together Ron and Harry yelled, "IT'S GO TIME, BABY!"

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End Note: If you were wondering why Voldemort is masquerading as a sixteen-year-old, it was because it's easier to sneak around Hogsmeade when you don't look like an anthropomophised snake. He performed a complex spell to make himself younger, but it unfortunately (for him) affected his brain, so he is now thinking like the average teenager. And having a pretty good time.

Why Lupin (aka Logan) is acting so funny, as you will eventually see, is because of massive head trauma and lots of alcohol. Lots.

If you can't tell I kinda pulled these explanations out of "thin air" to put it delicately.


	2. Man I Love Bread

I'd like to thank my reviewers. They make me feel warm and fuzzy. I'll admit it is really strange, but that's half the fun! Anyway for your reading enjoyment: Chapter Two! Applause

Chapter Two

Man I Love Bread

The trio was in the boys dormitory huddled around the mirror attempting to discuss their plans.

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Go away Neville."

"What are you doing?"

"Go away Seamus."

"What's up?"

"Go away Dean."

"What's that?"

"GO AWAY NEVILLE!"

"Maybe we should go somewhere more private." Harry suggested envisioning a daring night of slinking around the castle, dodging teachers, and humming espionage themed music.

"That's the first sensible thing anyone's said all night." said Ron exasperatedly, not knowing what Harry had in mind.

Hermione looked affronted. "Well then shouldn't I have said it?"

"Oye," Ron slapped his forehead "let's go to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom."

"Please let's not go there, Ron." Harry pleaded. "She has the hots for me, I know it!"

Ron and Hermione exchanged glances, took Harry by the elbows, and threw the invisibility cloak over themselves. They then proceeded to drag a protesting Harry to the bathroom.

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In a small Italian restaurant in Hogsmeade the evil overlord and the fiery redhead were inhaling breadsticks as fast as the waiter could bring them to the table.

"Man I love bread!" Tom said through a mouthful of the stuff.

"So do I! I've never met anyone who loves bread as much as I do!" Ginny ripped off a hunk and popped it into her mouth with apparent relish.

"This is the best date I've ever been on!" They both sighed, spitting crumbs everywhere.

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Tired and out of breath from having to drag an unwilling Harry, Hermione and Ron fell through the door of Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

The trio was taken off guard by a ringing "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" They leapt to their feet and came face to face with none other than Draco Malfoy.

"What are you doing here?" everyone yelled at the same time.

Draco was sitting on the tank of a toilet with his quill poised over a small leather-bound book. He quickly hid the book behind his back. The platinum blonde tried to stand up on the toilet seat but lost his balance and fell in. He then proceeded to hop around cursing a blue streak.

"#&$! toilet! Got my #$!&ing shoes wet! Gonna !$&# the ?#!&ing thing!"

Ron covered Hermione's ears, Hermione covered Ron's ears, and Harry took out a notebook and started taking notes.

Hermione was the first to recover from this unexpected onslaught. She walked over to the still hopping and cursing Malfoy, kicked him in the shin, and unceremoniously stuffed a bar of soap in his mouth.

Malfoy continued to hop but did so silently, now holding a throbbing shin. Hermione gave a satisfied nod and addressed the Slytherin, "Why don't you get out and forget this ever happened. That way we won't tell anyone that you have a diary and hang out in a haunted bathroom, and you won't tell anyone we were out after hours." Bubbles dripping from his lips, Malfoy nodded piteously and hopped to the door. As way of a parting shot Hermione called after him, "By the way, that leather jacket looks horrible with your uniform!"

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Back at the restaurant, Tom was showing Ginny the finer points of hitting people with bread balls.

"Ok see, first you squish the bread into a little ball. Then, you load it on to your spoon, like so. Now, aim it at an unsuspecting victim, that chrome dome over there looks fine, and FIRE! Ha Ha, it hit him right in the back of the head! Ok, now look casual. You wanna try?"

"Sure Tom I'd love to!" Ginny prepared the ammunition, loaded the utensil, and fired her missile at a woman with a low necked shirt on.

"Yes! It went right down her shirt! Serves her right for degrading the female gender like that!" Ginny celebrated while trying to look casual.

"I like your style, Ginny." Tom said with a slightly evil smile. Ginny blushed and gave her own slightly evil smile.

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In the bathroom Harry, Ron, and Hermione were having a so called "pow-wow" on what to do about the so called "Ginnymort problem". Unfortunately their so called "peace pipes" kept setting off the smoke alarm and every time a teacher came in, they had to dive under the invisibility cloak. Finally Harry just decided to call Voldemort using the mirror.

"Man, he's taking forever to pick up…Ok…here we go. Hi Voldemort!"

"How did you get this mirror?" Voldemort asked venomously when he saw who was calling.

"Ginny left it." Harry heard the sound of someone smacking her forehead.

"Just hang up you fool! You're ruining our date!"

"Temper, temper Mister Moldy Shorts." Harry taunted.

"Your death will be slow and painful for that one, Potter." The Dark Lord hissed

"Aww, you don't love me no more?" Harry heaved a sob while trying not to laugh.

Voldemort was becoming more and more agitated by the giggles coming from the mirror, so he tossed it up in the air and shot the mirror with a spell, shattering it into hundreds of pieces and raining on the heads of unsuspecting diners. Everyone in the restaurant turned to look at the evil wizard.

"Sorry, telemarketer." Tom said sheepishly. Everyone nodded and went back to whatever they were doing.

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"Well that didn't work." Harry said looking at the now reflective mirror.


	3. The Good,the Bad,and the Weird

Another chapter revamped! You'll know if I've gotten to chapter two yet, got a bit of writer's block. Anyway, _I_ am alot happier with my revamps, so it doesn't matter if anyone else reads it.

Well That Didn't Work

Chapter Three: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

The students were all eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Ginny sat with her chin propped on one hand and a fork in the other, happily staring into space. The slice of waffle speared on her fork kept falling off before reaching her open mouth, but she absentmindedly continued the cycle of stabbing and falling, stabbing and falling. Hermione flopped into the seat next to Ginny's, startling the girl enough to make her look around.

"So," Hermione wasted no time in saying "how was your date?"

Ginny snapped her jaws shut, processed the question, and began to prattle "Oh it was wonderful! He's really cute, he's suave, he likes bread, and he managed to get us out of paying our bill at the restaurant!"

"How did he do that?" Hermione asked, knowing it wouldn't be pleasant.

Ginny nonchalantly replied "He blew up the restaurant, and while everyone was distracted we snuck out."

"_Distracted_? I—never mind-- Aren't you a teeny bit put off by blowing up a restaurant just to get out of paying the bill?" Hermione asked, holding her thumb and index finger five millimeters apart.

"Not really, no." Ginny said and returned to her waffles.

"Well that didn't work." Hermione muttered.

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Today being their first class of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Ron and Harry made an effort to be on time. Hermione was early as usual and vaulted over two rows of desks to claim the seat nearest the teacher's desk.

As Ron sat down, at a more sedate pace, he said, "Have you ever considered going out for the Hurdling Team?

"Why in heaven's name would I do that Ron? Honestly…" she gave him a funny look.

As Ron opened his mouth to reply, a loud _bang_ echoed through the room.

The class simultaneously spun to face the door as it crashed open, and "Professor Logan" somersaulted in smashing into his desk. Parvati held up a piece of cardboard with a six penciled on it. Dean had a four on his. Neville held up a five, and Lavender showed a ten with "call me" written over it.

Professor Logan dusted off his jeans and stalked to the front of the classroom. His eyes darted back and forth staring menacingly at each student.

"My name," he said huskily "is Logan. Re…uh… Romulus Logan. Yeah, that's it. I'm here to teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts. One of the conditions of my contract is that I get a few days vacation at the full moon so that's the way it's gonna be." Logan stared at the students as if looking for someone to dispute his claims.

Logan whipped around and began drawing on the blackboard all the while shooting malevolent glances over his shoulder at the class. He continued to do this for five minutes or so, rendering the students too scared to move. When the professor finally stepped away an aura of confusion engulfed the class.

Seamus tentatively raised his hand and fielded a guess "Sir, is that a…stick figure?"

"Exactly!" yelled Logan. He threw the chalk he had been using at the blackboard's ledge causing it to ricochet of and hit Hermione in the head.

"Fear," he said, paying absolutely no attention to the scowling Hermione, "is bad. The Dark Arts are scary and therefore bad. However to fear the Dark Arts is to give in to fear which is bad. To be bad is not good and being not good is bad; so you must be good and not bad. You see being not bad is good. So do not be afraid, because fear is bad, but also be aware of fear so that you know what things are scary and therefore bad. Everyone following what I'm saying?"

Most of the students' eyes had glazed over by this point. The minority still functioning shook their heads dumbly.

"Lovely, let's move on now to jinxes, hexes, curses, and other crap like that. For today's lesson I have a very special jinx that I think you will all enjoy (pause for drum roll) the Fandango Spell!"

For a minute no one moved, then, rubbing the chalky mark off her forehead, Hermione raised her hand.

"Sir, isn't that illegal?"

"Well yes, it is the fourth and most embarrassing Unforgivable Curse, but hey, if Moody could Imperio y'all I don't see why I can't Fandango the lot of ya'. Now if all of you whipped out your wands and yelled "Fandangulous!" right now I doubt my legs would even twitch. It has to have a lot of power behind it. You have to really want someone to go dancing around like an idiot for the spell to work. All right, all of you take out your wands and Fandango me. Do it! Do it NOW!

At these words Professor Logan hopped up onto his desk and struck a pose. All of the students obediently took out their wands and yelled "Fandangulous!" at the tops of their lungs. Logan was thrown back and toppled out the window. The teens crowded to the window to see the "new" professor fall. They all heard a long drawn out (as long and drawn out as it can be falling from a three story window) "CRAAAAAAAAP!" and a noise that might have sounded something like "Bwoioing" or whatever sound a Hogwarts professor falling from a three storey window onto a trampoline would be.

It was a lucky break indeed that Dumbledore was a fan of trampolines. As he said, "To the well organized mind, trampolines are but the next great adventure."

Or was that death? Anyway, at the third storey window, Ron expressed what everyone else was feeling, namely, "What're the odds of that?"


	4. Woooooo Yoohoo!

Hi! I hope all my readers haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. My reviewers seem to have. No I'm being overly critical. I think I'll just go off into a corner and cry. I'm just kidding. I hope you like this new chapter. If your sense of humor is as wierd as mine is you will.

By the way I own neither Harry Potter nor Yoohoo and if anyone can identify the cartoon the quote "You think I've got a clock in my head" is from, I'll be astounded.

Chapter Four

Wooo-ooo Yoohoo!

Later that night in the Gryffindor common room, the titanic trio was working on their Care of Magical Creatures assignment, _Jackalopes: Beware the Bunny_, when they heard a sound like a fog horn (Namely WOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). Harry jumped on top of the wing backed chair, which promptly fell on him, and Ron ducked under the couch, hitting his head on the wall. This gave Harry a chance to try out some of the vocabulary words he had learned from Draco, and Ron added his own. Meanwhile, Hermione had been riffling through her bag, throwing random objects on the table. Eventually, she pulled out a peanut and held it up.

"What the ?$&! was that, Hermione?" Ron said while clutching his aching head.

"Now now, Ron, you don't want me to wash your mouth out do you? As for your question this is my Ginny Monitoring Device, or GMD for short." She said holding up the peanut.

"Ok, Hermione, two things. First, that's a peanut, and, second, that's a peanut." While saying this, Harry pondered how much a psychologist would cost.

"It's not a peanut, it's a GMD!" Hermione asserted this, at the same time rocking back and forth, cuddling the peanut to her shoulder, and stroking it.

Ron had been gyrating his index finger at his temple, but when he saw Hermione watching him, he tried to pass it off that he had been twirling his hair on his finger.

"So! You think I have a clock in my head! Well I don't! I magically programmed this peanut to give a signal if Voldemort calls Ginny! Ha! So there!" Hermione fell to the floor and dissolved into insane laughter.

Ron and Harry looked at each other bemusedly. Ron scratched his head and said (that rhymes!) "She has got to lay of the Yoohoo."

Like a corpse being reanimated, the bushy haired girl raised her hands, still clutching the peanut, and sat up suddenly.

"Follow the peanu…I mean, follow the GMD! If you want to save your sister follow me."(I rhymed again! WEE!) Hermione bawled, raising the peanut aloft.

The witch marched to the door, turned around suddenly, and marched back across the common room to the boy's dormitory to get Harry's invisibility cloak. The two boys shrugged, and joined step behind the wildly sugar high girl.

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As this little melodrama was playing out, Ginny was climbing down from her window on the seventh floor of the North Tower using only chewing gum and twist ties. Also some magic. Ok mostly magic, and not much gum and twist ties, anyway, she was escaping through the window. Upon reaching the ground, she flopped onto her stomach and crawled, mainly using her elbows and knees, to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Ginny stood up and tried vainly to wipe of some of the dirt she had accumulated.

Sighing, she said, "That was a dumb idea."

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione were hiding in the bushes watching Ginny and Voldemort talk. It was rather stupid of them to hide in the bushes because they were wearing the invisibility cloak, but whatever.

"Big Red do you copy? The rabbit is in with the fox. I repeat the rabbit is in with the fox. Over"

"I copy Gold Leader. Wait, I forgot which one's the rabbit and which is the fox?"

"Can't you both just shut up?" Hermione pleaded "You're going to give us away."

"They're on the move!" Gold Leader reported excitedly.

The trio dashed after the love-struck evil overlord and red head while trying not to make noise and stay under the invisibility cloak. They were having a bit of trouble with that.

"Oww! Ron, that's my foot you idiot!"

"Shhhh! Do you want everyone to know where we are?"

"If they can't tell by how loud you're whispering they're deaf anyway."

"Shut up you morons!"

"Who died and made you Supreme Ruler of the Universe?"

"Akk! You ran me into that tree on purpose you nimrod!"

"I did not, liar!"

"SHUT UP!"

Ron, Harry, and Hermione all dove to the ground as Ginny and Voldemort whipped around. Voldemort lit his wand and raised it up, but, seeing nothing, shrugged and continued walking.

"Ok from now on no talking. Got it?" Hermione looked from Harry to Ron. Both nodded.

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Ginny looked up at Tom's face and tightened her grip on his hand. Somewhere behind them came a sound suspiciously like a peanut exploding. Tom looked around quizically then shook his head. He glanced down at Ginny and smiled, reducing her to a gooey puddle of girl. Tom allowed himself a small smug smirk at his power over her. Some day he would rule the world and she would be by his side as Queen of the World! He stopped to ponder if this sounded too cliché. (Answer: yes.)

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The trio watched Voldemort steer Ginny into a small Japanese restaurant. They were again squatting in some bushes, this time in a park across the road from the steakhouse. In their best Mission Impossible style Hermione, Ron, and Harry snuck across the street. Ron hummed "Smoke on the Water" until Hermione whacked him on the head.

The three ducked into a back alley, and Harry packed up his invisibility cloak. Hermione looked nonplussed as Ron and Harry drew brown paper bags out of their pockets. The bags had been labeled "Disguise Kit" with a blue crayon. Ron fished around in his bag until he found a pair of glasses with a nose and mustache attached. Harry pulled out a turban and a long beard.

Hermione raised an eyebrow and said, "I'm not going to want to be seen with you two fools."

"Oh don't worry Hermione. We have one for you too." Harry said happily and pulled out a pink wig and a set of plastic vampire fangs.

"I am not wearing that!" She shook her head definitively.

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"I can't believe I'm wearing thish." Hermione muttered through her plastic prosthesis as she tried to swipe the brilliantly pink hair out of her eyes.

"Oh don't _wfooo_ be such a _fwoof_ stick in the _foof_ mud, Hermione. I think you _fwoo_ look great _fooow_." Ron had to keep blowing on the mustache so it wouldn't get into his mouth.

Hermione looked disbelieving, but became a bit less surly. The camouflaged conjurors crept to the enigmatic entrance. As the door squeaked open they heard the sound of a…(Pause for dramatic effect)… bell jingle. The hostess looked up, back down, and then did a double take. The odd appearance of the teens seemed to rob her of speech.

"Would kind hostess mind getting these poor travelers a table?" Harry asked in a wildly fake accent while twirling his beard.

The baffled girl turned and ran for the kitchen, returning with the burly cook. He took one look at the trio and threw them out the door.

Gingerly trying to stand, Harry said the obligatory "Well that didn't work."

Hermione stood with her arms crossed muttering something that sounded like "Understatement of the century."


	5. This Magic Liquid

Sorry about the wait. This chapter goes out to my lovely reviewer zan189 and my great friend Evil. Sake is Japanese rice wine by the way.

Chapter Five

This Magic Liquid

Hermione, Ron, and Harry were looking in the window of the small Japanese steakhouse. Inside they could see Voldemort and Ginny eating some lovely Hibachi chicken. Ginny was patiently trying to teach Voldemort how to use his chopsticks, although it looked like she enjoyed feeding him herself much more.

Harry unstuck his nose from the glass and said, "This just sickens me."

"Oh Harry, don't be jealous." Hermione scolded gently.

"What? Me? Jealous? No way! I'm just concerned for Ginny's welfare, that's all! She's dating Voldemort, do you expect me to sit and do nothing?" Harry slumped against the wall and pouted.

Hermione felt a superior smile coming on. She turned to Ron, who was busy making faces on the window. A woman on the other side quickly lost her appetite at that sight.

Hermione slapped Ron on the back of the head ,who in turn hit his forehead on the glass, and turned him and Harry toward her.

"Ok, I think I might have a plan." Hermione whispered to the boys.

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Soy sauce flowed out of the bottle as if it was trying to drown the chicken, rice, and vegetables. Tom stopped the flow and looked at the magical liquid. Making soy sauce since 1604? Sheesh. He began to contemplate all things soy saucey.

"Hey Ginny, how 'bout we see who can chug the most soy sauce?" Tom said.

"Ok." Ginny herself was a white sauce girl, but whatever Tom wanted to do was fine with her.

Tom stole the soy sauce off of two tables and set one down in front of himself and one in front of Ginny. They clinked the bottles together, threw back their heads, and started chugging.

After taking about two swallows, a stream of liquid salt (aka soy sauce) sprayed out of Ginny and Tom's mouths onto the couple next to them.

"Holy $!&? That stuff is pure !$&?in' salt!"

"No $!&, Sherlock!"

After the two had thoroughly washed their mouths out they started laughing hysterically. The waiter, zan189, gave the couple a strange look while continuing to clean up the Exxon Valdese of soy sauce they had sprayed everywhere.

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Four people walked into the restaurant, wearing copious amounts of black and carrying instruments. Three of them had black berets and sunglasses on; the two guys had small goatees. The host tried to stop them, but the mysterious beatniks informed him they were the band and pushed past the puzzled man.

The fourth person, a slightly evil looking girl with a bassoon, scratched her head and wondered how she got there, but decided she would stay and play the gig. She hoped there would be money in it.

The band unpacked their instruments. The diners were interested in how the music would sound being played on a bassoon, a kazoo, maracas, and a guitar made from a tissue box and rubber bands.

Ginny and Tom had gone back to eating their meal and talking animatedly. Tom was waving his hands wildly and accidentally (or maybe not accidentally) upset zan189's tray so that water, salad, and sushi flew everywhere. Zan189 was starting to think that maybe working at a Japanese steakhouse might not have been the best career move.

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The band had launched into an indescribably horrible rendition of "The William Tell Overture" that left the audience speechless at the utter crappiness of it. The black haired, bespectacled, bescarred, begoateed guitarist stopped and pretended to get a drink of water. He edged off the stage and started crawling under the tables much to the puzzlement of the audience.

"Oh 'scuse me. Pardon me. Hey nice legs lady! Owch! Kidding, I was kidding! Ahh, here we go!"

The guitarist had arrived at his destination; under Ginny and Voldemort's table. He chuckled rubbing his hands together and rammed his head into the bottom of the table. Fortunately for him, the music had gotten frightfully loud, and the two lovebirds above him didn't hear anything suspicious.

The kazooist, who had red hair and a black goatee, also pretended to get a drink of water. He stuck a lampshade on his head and inched closer to Voldemort and Ginny's table, where he stopped hoping to be taken as a floor lamp. A waiter passed by and did a doubletake, wondering if this was part of the floor show. Luckily for Ron, the couple he was spying on was pretty oblivious to everything happening around them.

The maracaist made no pretense of water retrieval, but just walked away, sat at a table, and ordered a drink. This left the bassoonist all alone furiously trying to play "The Flight of the Bumblebee" until she passed out from lack of breath.

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"Do it again, Tom! Pleeeeease!" Ginny looked at him with big puppy dog eyes. Her lip started to tremble.

Tom couldn't resist the eyes. "Ok, one more time." The evil laughter made everyone in the restaurant shiver and all the candles blow out. They had electric lighting, so the effect wasn't as cool, but still…

Ginny had a bit of a thing for evil laughter. She just couldn't resist it. Tom's was by far the best evil laughter she had ever heard. It just made her melt.

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Under the table, Harry was having a hard time listening to their conversation because he was trying not to touch either Ginny or Voldemort's legs. _Although_, Harry thought, _Ginny does have rather fine legs_. Harry shook that line of thinking out of his head and reminded himself that he was on a mission.

Meanwhile, Ron was having problems staying still. He had drunk a bit too much water before trying to be a lamp, and he really needed to use the little wizard's room. Ron had his legs crossed and was hopping up and down trying not to wet himself, so obviously his eavesdropping was not really going well.

Hermione, however, had been throwing back sake for the last ten minutes and, not being used to alcohol especially in little teeny cups, was completely blitzed. A waiter had wanted to have a little fun and had told the poor witch it was virgin sake.

"WOOHOO! Letsh have shome fun, peoplesh! She bellowed while standing up woozily.

Hermione blinked a few times, trying to get the room to focus. "How 'bout shome Karaokeokeo!"

The soused witch weaved her way to the karaoke machine and began singing "Man I Feel Like a Woman" (aka the most annoying, and most popular, karaoke song ever)

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The terrible singing of the inebriated Hermione made Ginny and Tom hurry to leave. Zan189 tried to get Tom to pay the bill. He snatched it, looked at it, ripped it to pieces, and blew up the restaurant.

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Through the rubble a small voice could be heard saying, "Well that didn't work."


	6. So You Want to Be an Action Adventure St

Sorry for the wait people! I hope this chapter is up to scratch. I will try my best to get out the next chapter quickly. Since I haven't done a disclaimer recently: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I own McDonald's. If I owned both I might be as rich as Bill Gates, whom I also do not own.

Chapter Six

So You Want to Be an Action Adventure Star

Harry scrambled out from under a beam, while Ron attempted to lever a chunk of plaster off of Hermione, who was still rather tipsy. Zan189 wrote her two weeks notice, set the date for two weeks ago, threw it into the air, and stormed away from the wreckage of the Japanese steakhouse.

Harry sprinted off after Voldemort and Ginny, leaving Ron to take care of Hermione. He gave the witch an exasperated look, grabbed her wrist, and dragged the girl along after Harry.

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By the time they had arrived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Harry was panting, Ron was doubled over ready to either puke or die (he couldn't figure out which), and Hermione was quietly humming "On Top of Spaghetti". Ginny and Voldemort were holding hands and looking at the bright crescent moon. The pair set off through the woods, him strolling, and her sort of _sashaying_.

Dragging their feet, Ron and Harry wearily trudged after the happy couple. Oddly, Hermione didn't seem in the least tired. This may or may not have been because Ron carried her on his back for half the way. Whatever the case was, she was skipping along merrily running into trees.

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Tom put his arm around Ginny's waist and scooched her closer to his side. She matched her stride to his and snuggled closer. Behind them came a sound uncannily reminiscent of a bursting blood vessel from an overprotective brother or a jealous wanna-be boyfriend. The two paid no attention to the strange noises around them, after all Tom was the most feared person in the wizarding world. Who would dare attack him?

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Behind the oblivious lovers, Ron and Harry were angry enough to start punching holes through trees. Just as Hogwarts began to loom over the people in the forest, Voldemort leaned in for the Good-bye Kiss. This caused something in Ron to snap. He ran screaming like a maniac, launched himself into the air and tackled Voldemort before the Dark Lord could make contact. The Evil One kicked Ron in the stomach and sprinted off into the woods. Ginny saw him glance over his shoulder and blew him a kiss; she then turned to Ron, hauled back, and cold-cocked him. Harry managed to catch the elder Weasley before he hit the ground, then he dropped Ron to put his hands on his hips.

"Listen Ginny, this has gone on long enough. I won't allow you to go out on a date with Voldemort any more." Harry reprimanded sternly.

Ginny rebutted by saying, "And I care what you'll allow!"

Ginny gave in to the temptation to slap Harry senseless, and felt much better after she had. For good measure, Ginny decided to glare at Hermione, but this was probably unnecessary as the still inebriated witch was failing miserably at getting a stick to balance on her nose.

Ginny was startled from her glaring by a loud noise. She whipped around, dived into the underbrush, and snuck off to the school. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, however, were not so lucky. Like the famed bat out of hell, Snape swooped down on the trio.

"Detentions for all of you! Out of bounds _and_ after curfew? It's a two for one bargain!" Snape was overjoyed by his luck.

The professor collected the remaining three delinquents and herded them back to the castle; all the while he was thinking of the most horrible detention for each individual and whistling "It's a Small World After All" cheerily.

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By the time they reached the castle Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all about ready to pass out, but Snape led them deeper into Hogwarts. Down, down, deep into his lair…er…office. He stood behind his desk and grinned down maliciously at the helpless trio.

After rubbing his hands together and laughing evilly while lightning flashed in the dungeon, he sentenced the students to their detentions. "Ok, Weasley, you will be scrubbing the bathroom floor with your own toothbrush!" Ron shuddered, but the professor kept going. "Granger, you will be doing lines. 'I am a stupid failure, and I hope to die in the near future.' Got it?" This pronouncement completely sobered Hermione up and left her sniveling. "Lastly," said Snape, ominously under-lit, "Potter, you will…" (pause for dramatic effect) "ANSWER MY FANMAIL!" Harry collapsed into a heap and was not roused till Hermione whipped out the bottle of smelling salts she had been saving.

"Ban, this sduff sbells horrible…Hey waidt! Sinz when have you had fan bail?" Harry asked stuffily.

Snape looked down his hooked nose at Harry. "Ever since those books came out everyone is convinced I have a heart of gold under my cruel greasy exterior. Fools."

There was a pause as Harry was shaking his head trying furiously to get out the odor of the smelling salts, Hermione was rocking back and forth muttering "I am not a failure.", and Ron was transfixed thinking about the abominable conditions of the bathroom floor, when the door crashed open and Professor Logan dived in.

Snape resisted the urge to strangle the living day lights out of the crazy teacher and instead screamed at him. "THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK YOU'VE BROKEN MY DOOR DOWN! IF YOU DO IT ONCE MORE, SO HELP ME, THEY WONT EVEN BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR REMAINS! YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM? THEY'RE GOING TO BE CHEWED ON BY HAMSTERS AND LEFT TO ROT IN THE GARBAGE CAN BEHIND McDONALD'S!"

Logan took this all calmly and stood waiting for Snape's temper to reside. After fifteen minutes, however, he got tired of waiting and casually told the furious man, "I have to check and see if your door meets all the standards."

"WHAT STANDARDS?" The potions master roared.

Logan's eyes flicked back and forth searching the office for eavesdroppers. He lowered his voice to a whisper and said, "You know. Those standards."

Snape looked prepared to beat Logan's brains out, so he hurried to elaborate. "Doors must be in good condition and of a good enough quality to withstand the force of being kicked open repeatedly, as this is the main form of entry for action adventure heroes. It's all written in _So You Want to Be an Action Adventure Star_." He pulled out a well thumbed handbook and flipped to the correct page to show Snape the reference.

The poor man was entirely fed up with Logan's unexpected arrivals, and kicked out the new professor in all but the literal sense of the words. He also shooed out the trio, who were quite happy to be leaving. They rushed to their common room to try and finally get some sleep, but were drawn up short by the sound of a massive explosion coming from the dungeon. Logan, looking only slightly concerned flipped open his book to the bomb section and said, "Hmm…well that didn't work. It should have gone off after it counted down from thirty minutes and fifty-nine seconds."


	7. WRF

It's me again! Lovely to see you all. Maybe not see exactly. Anyway, I'll tell you right now this plot doesn't really further the plot at all, but it was very fun to write. So read it if you want to or wait for the next chapter. Also I'd be honored if Zan189 would recommend my story. Till next time.

Chapter Seven

WRF: World Rodent Federation

or

Rodent Dome Smackdown

The morning after their ill fated meeting with Professor Snape, the trio, very groggily, shuffled to the Great Hall. Ginny was giving the group the cold shoulder for ruining the end of her date, and Hermione was hung over and in a foul mood; so the two boys sat by themselves trying to finish all the homework they should have been doing last night. As the owls poured through the windows the older students mechanically moved the food to avoid owl…erm…droppings. Ron and Harry did snicker a bit when a first year's omelet got bombed. Ron was cut off mid-snicker as a newspaper hit the back of his head, sending it crashing into his bacon. Harry caught the paper and began using it to sop up spilled pumpkin juice until he noticed the headline.

**MINISTRY BAFFLED BY EXPLODING PENGUINES!**

Ministry of Magic official have been working round the clock to

find the perpetrators behind this unexplained phenomena…

This really has nothing to do with the storyline, but it is fascinating, isn't it? I mean, exploding penguins! Who wouldn't want to read about that? Hmmm…maybe I should get on with the story.

The boys got up to go to their next class, Ron still wiping grease off of his face. On the way out they were waylaid by none other than Draco Malfoy.

Gleefully he questioned, "Is it true that Ron Weasel and Gary Pothead have detention?"

Ron belligerently said "What's it to ya?" while Harry shouted "My name is HARRY!"

"Come on, are you scared of me Wonder Weasel?" Malfoy taunted.

"Quit calling me weasel, you overgrown ferret!" Ron paused, "Oh by the way, Malfoy, I have a little something of yours that I doubt you would want your fan club to know about." He said slyly.

"You ain't got nothin' on me, Weasely!" Malfoy yelled nervously.

"Oh yeah? What do you think of this, Mr. High-and-Mighty Platinum Blonde?" Ron pulled a bottle of blonde hair dye out of his bag.

"Where did you get that?" Malfoy leapt to snatch it out of Ron's hands.

Ron held it above his head and laughed. "It fell out of your bag yesterday."

Malfoy pulled his wand out of his sleeve and fired off a spell. Ron barely managed to whip his out and rattle off a spell of his own. The two curses hit each other and made a blinding flash of light; then just as suddenly, Ron and Draco were no longer there. In their places were a weasel and a ferret respectively.

The two rodents squeaked in outrage and began galloping towards each other. Harry thought this was outrageously funny and sat down to watch the fur fly. The weasel launched himself into the air, but at the last moment the ferret dodged out of the way of the flying tackle. The weasel somersaulted onto the ground as the ferret prepared for his assault.

By this time more students had come out of the Great Hall to witness the epic battle. Harry had started a betting pool on who would win. Most of the students were unaware of the identities of the rodents, but that didn't really matter to them. They had formed an arena by circling the two combatants, and were trying to do the wave.

The weasel was on his feet again after his heavy landing. He bared his teeth at the white ferret running as fast as his little legs could carry him. Just as the ferret was going to hit the weasel, the brownish-red rodent leapt into the air and landed gracefully on top of the white animal. The ferret curved into a U and began scratching his assailant.

The crowd of students watching the fight was at fever pitch as the battle came into close quarters. At every move the wily creatures made a fresh wave of cheering would emanate from the teens.

The ferret was latched onto his foe's stomach and wouldn't let go. The weasel reared onto his hind legs, front legs pawing the air majestically. The weasel fans all roared with delight. The brown animal allowed himself to fall to the ground, slamming the ferret's back into the ground. This stunned his opponent long enough for the weasel to escape from his clutches, but in a flash the snowy rodent was back on his feet and ready for more.

The little creatures circled each other, looking for a weakness in the other's defenses. The spectators were hushed expectantly. Professor Logan had come, causing mild consternation before placing a bet on the weasel. Harry was holding a bag of galleons with one hand, and had his fingers crossed with the other. The two mini-warriors began to hiss at each other dangerously.

Then, like a furry bolt of lightning, the ferret attacked the weasel. A cheer erupted from the ferret fans. The two were fighting so furiously that all the watchers could see was a brown and white ball.

Suddenly, the doors of the Great Hall were flung open and Professor McGonagall stormed in.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS!" She yelled angrily at the "figure of authority", Professor Logan.

"It's just a…um…a little…err…bit of entertainment the students are…uh…putting on." Logan stammered.

"ENTERTAINMENT! YOU CALL THIS ENTERTAINMENT! I SHOULD CALL THE ASPCA ON YOU!"

"Well the ASPCA might not care because they aren't really animals, um, per say." Professor Logan looked like he would be perfectly happy if a sink-hole formed below his feet.

"Wait, what do you mean 'they aren't really animals'? Are you saying these are STUDENTS?" McGonagall looked like she wanted to strangle the hapless professor.

The witch stomped over to the still battling rodents, pushing her way through the crowd of students and waved her wand in a complex pattern. Now in the ring sat a much mussed Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasely.

McGonagall fixed her death glare on them and said, "The only reason you aren't going to be punished severely for this is because I hold Professor Logan responsible. However you two will still receive a weeks worth of detention licking stamps."

The sometime ferret, Draco Malfoy, struggled to his feet, grabbed his bag, and ran off to his next class. The former weasel, Ron Weasely, snatched his bag and marched in the direction of his next class, accompanied by Harry.

Harry had had to refund all of the galleons he had collected. He sighed and said, "Well that didn't work. Next time we should have hot cheerleaders and nachos.


	8. SHAAYYMUUUSS!

Hello folks! Chapter eight is here. I had told myself that I would get it out immediately after reading zan189's wonderful article about my unworthy story, but as you can see that never happened. Anyway, zan189, thank you for being my best fan! If you ever have any requests, feel free to ask. I hope this chapter is up to par.

Chapter Eight

SHAAYYMUUUSSS!

Ginny was quite curious. There was a buzz going around the school. Something was going to happen, but no one was sure what it would be. She couldn't possibly concentrate on her classes and spent most of History of Magic lavishly decorating a heart with "G plus H-W-M-N-B-N" written in the middle. Defense Against the Dark Arts was probably the only class she paid attention in because Professor Logan was teaching them how to make bombs out of sea urchins. The whole day passed in the same manner, till dinner, when the object of the stir was announced.

Dumbledore stood up and raised his hands to hush the crowd. Slowly, he blew his nose, carefully folded his handkerchief, adjusted his half-moon glasses, and cleared his throat. The student body was beginning to look murderous. Dumbledore seemed to catch the vibe and proceeded to say, "All you seventh years already know this, but to the younger peoples I'll explain. You know how every year I tell you that the sixth and seventh years are going to take an all night prostate exam? Well they're really going to the Masquerade Prom. It's just been tradition that only sixth and seventh years go. This year, however, we will be allowing fifth years to go too, and if any of the younger students are asked to accompany a fifth, sixth, or seventh year then they can go too!"

The students broke into tumultuous applause. Clapping madly like everyone else, Harry leaned over to Ron and said, "You know, they always did look a little too happy to be going to a prostate exam."

Ron nodded and said, "I also wondered why they needed to wear costumes."

Slowly, Harry paled as a horrible thought occurred to him. "We're going to have to bring dates!"

The color drained out of Ron's face. The prospect of trying to find a date seemed to rob him of speech. Farther down the table, Ginny was beaming at Dumbledore. Her head was already brimming with plans for costumes and smuggling Tom in. She laughed slightly sinisterly. Hermione had a thoughtful expression on her face. As soon as she possibly could she left the table to ponder in peace.

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The next day the whole school was brimming with excitement. Girls would whisper to each other and giggle whenever a boy passed, just to unnerve them. Boys would stare at the girls long enough to make them feel uncomfortable. In every class there were students talking about costumes. Each of the girls wanted to outshine the others; the boys just wanted to find an outfit they wouldn't look ridiculous in.

Ginny knew what she wanted to be, and was busily plotting how to create her masterpiece. All sorts of competitions went on at the Masquerade; the seventh years she had interrogated told her that.

A wide range of boys had already asked her to accompany them. Ginny had been backed into a corner by a scabby seventh year, given puppy-dog eyes by a third year, and breathed on heavily by Professor Logan, who seemed to be asking all the pretty girls. He appeared to be quite drunk, this being backed up by the fact his breath smelled like he had just downed six straight shots of Jack Daniels. Ginny thought he was just very inebriated, but it turned out that the teachers were required to attend and encouraged to bring dates. She prayed that their dates would not be students.

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Harry and Ron were on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. Every time a girl came within five feet of them, they would whimper and shake. One can imagine that class was rather hard for them to get through. Hermione, however, was spaced out, and no use to the distraught boys.

Girls Harry had never met, and would've sworn he had never seen before had asked to go to the Prom with him. He was asked by a first year who barely came up to his navel, a fourth year that kept trying to pull her collar lower on her shoulders, and a fifth year who had a mustache. This last experience had left Harry faint and pale, and Ron had had to provide multiple bottles of butterbeer to revive his spirits.

Ron had not been asked by anyone, and he couldn't tell if that was good or bad. He was jealous of all the attention Harry was getting, but he didn't want to have to go through the ordeal of being asked by a troll. This left him feeling a mixture of relief and envy that confused him completely. He just wished that he could find a gorgeous girl with a great personality that loved him no matter what he did. Was that too much to ask?

Hermione was behaving very mysteriously, skulking around and hiding under things. The two boys were so caught up in their own problems, they didn't notice Hermione's strange behavior. She had been approached by a few boys, but had dived under whatever furniture was handy. One may be sure this deterred a great many prospective dates.

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Ron and Harry were trying to recoup in front of the fireplace after the days stressful events. They imbibed quite a bit of firewhisky that Harry had convinced Doby to smuggle him. This progressed to both singing songs by Tina Turner.

It was in this condition that they discovered the cause of Hermione's odd conduct. She walked into the common room hand in hand with Seamus Finnegan. They had been secretly going steady for months. Ron's mouth dropped open, but surprise was quickly replaced by rage at this unexpected development.

Ron jumped to his feet and nearly fell down. He tried to focus on Seamus's face. "Shemas? Shamees? Shmaesy? SHAAAAYYMUUSS. Ha! Your names spelled S-E-A-M-U-S, but it's pronuounceded SHAAYYMMUUSSS. What was yer mother drunk when she nameded you?"

"Why you !$&hole! My mother was sober as a grudge! Anyway, your one to talk about being drunk!" Seamus bellowed at Ron.

Ron swung his fist at Seamus's head, which whiffed completely. Seamus, however, not being drunk, pummeled Ron to the floor. Hermione could only stare in horror. Harry just rooted both combatants on and failed completely to juggle the empty firewhisky bottles. Hermione turned and fled, crying to her room. Seamus stomped on Ron's stomach one last time, and stormed off to his room.

Harry thought he heard a faint "Well that didn't work." escape from Ron's lips, but couldn't be sure, as he was seriously drunk. Just for the sheer heck of it, Harry threw some sea urchin bombs that he had stolen from Ginny into the smoldering logs. His eyebrows took some time to grow back.

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This is the author again in my first ever end note. I just wanted to say that I really have no idea who Harry is going with. If anyone has suggestions, feel free to send them in. I don't care whether they're even from Harry Potter. You could even suggest yourself, but them I'd need some information about you. Until next chapter!


	9. Certain DryRoasted Doom

Hi! I'm SO sorry this chapter took so long to get out! I have an excuse (please don't shoot me) I was waiting for people to send suggestions of girls. Thanks, zan189, I would have totally used your suggestion, but I don't know enough about Laura Croft to do her justice. (I've never seen the movies and my video game system is a super nintendo, which I play on a TV with dials. Oh so technilogically advanced!) I will, however, have Padme in there. Just don't hold your breath, it could take a while at the rate I'm going. For a story that's supposed to be about Ginny and Tom, I certainly have a lot about Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Sigh... Just warning you this chapter is rather odd, but my beta said it was funny. Oh yeah I've passed the one hundred fifty hits mark! Yay for me! Till next chapter, sayonara.

Chapter Nine

Certain Dry-Roasted Doom

The studio was filled with cheesy music as the host skipped in to thunderous applause. The host grinned, momentarily blinding the audience with shininess.

He winked cheerily and announced, "Hey! I'm Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, Emperor of Rome, and this is DATELINE, the show where we take poor, pathetic _single_ people and turn them into hot, hip _dating_ people!"

Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus skipped over to the other side of the stage to were a nervous sixteen year old was sitting on a stool. The young man kept pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and trying to flatten his hair.

Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus skipped, tripped on the edge of his toga, and landed flat on his face. He tried to pass it off like there wasn't a whole studio audience that had seen that and fished the mike out of his robe. The host bounced over to the spazzy teen.

Twirling to face the audience, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus shouted, "Let's meet today's Eligible Bachelor! Here he is…Mr. Harry Potter!"

The crowd went wild. Half started throwing themselves at the Crazy Fan-girl Barrier (patent pending) and the other half screamed shrilly and fainted. Harry tried to curl into the fetal position, but merely succeeded in falling off his chair.

Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus lifted his hand; the room went silent. His grin was not unlike the Cheshire Cat's as he yelled, "Now for our Lucky Bachelorettes!"

The crowd muttered confusedly (that's a fun word) as, out of nowhere, three women on stools appeared. Between the Eligible Bachelor and the Lucky Bachelorettes, was a giant cardboard partition painted with immense pink and red hearts (following the motif of the studio).

Harry's eye had begun to twitch by this time. Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus slapped him on the back and said, "Now let's let our Eligible Bachelor get to know the Lucky Bachelorettes.

"Err…heh…um…Bachelorette Number One, if I was about to be killed by…err…unnatural circumstances, what would you do?" Harry squeaked out.

"Umm, like, I would send you dreams of us making out!" Bachelorette Number One giggled.

"Number Two, same question." Harry rasped, pulling on his collar.

"I don't know. I suppose I would passionately kiss whoever was threatening you." Bachelorette Number Two said shyly.

"OOOOOK? Same question Number Three." Harry began to pull his composure back together.

"I'd kick your butt." Bachelorette Number Three said bad-girlishly.

Harry tried to quietly scooch his chair away from Number Three's voice.

"Do you have any special powers or skills, Number One?" Harry couldn't think of anything better to ask.

"Like, umm, aside from the dream thing? I have this really cool sword and stuff, and I always get my way!" Bachelorette Number One clapped and giggled again.

"Err…right. Same question Number Two."

"Well, I can sing amazingly." Number Two said humbly.

"Uh huh. And you Number Three?" Harry raised his eyebrow and smoked on his pipe thoughtfully.

"I have Madd Skillz. I have superb balance, can crack a whip like nobody's business, and can fit into tight leather suits." Number Three made a noise that was a cross between a growl, a laugh, and a purr.

"WAH-WAH-WATCHOO!" Harry sneezed explosively, "Excuse me. Tobacco smoke you know. Anyway, Bachelorette Number One, do you have any hobbies?"

"I, like, like to be the center of attention movies, even when my, like, character person thingy isn't supposed to be in, like, the movie!" , said Number One cheerily.

"And you, Number Two? That rhymed! I'm so cool!" Harry beamed, and the audience swooned.

"I enjoy making love triangles and getting abducted by insane masked murderers." Number Two stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, I'm not insane, masked, or a murderer; but I could try abducting you." Harry said noncommittally, "What are your hobbies Number Three?"

"Kicking butt."

"Ummmmmm…Right. So how long is this show?" Harry asked a camera man.

Camera Man shrugged and said, "Why don't you ask the host."

"Hmm. Good idea, Camera Man." Harry threw a peanut and yelled at Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, "Hey! When does this show end?"

"Geez, can't a person design an aqueduct in peace?" Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus muttered to himself, "In ten minutes!" He shouted in reply to Harry's question.

"I guess I'll just go ahead and pick a Lucky Bachelorette." Harry pondered his decision.

He closed his eyes, got into the lotus position, and thought. And thought and thought and thought and though and thought and thought and thought and…thought some more. The short attention span of the audience had run out long ago, and a good third had wandered out. Batchelorette Number One was fixing her make-up, Number Two was humming show tunes, and Number Three was curled up asleep (quite a feat when you're on a stool). Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus had gone back to designing his aqueduct.

Eventually, Camera Man got bored and started throwing peanuts (where do they keep getting these peanuts?) at Harry, who had apparently fallen asleep. This was apparent because he was drooling. Harry finally woke up when a peanut landed in his mouth and he inhaled it. His eyes snapped open and he hacked and choked. Thankfully Camera Man knew the Heimlich maneuver, and was able to save Harry from certain dry-roasted doom. The peanut shot out of Harry's mouth and landed in the crowd, which caused the biggest cat-fight in history over who would get it.

"Ok, for my date to Prom, I'm gonna choose…BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE! 'Cause, umm, Number Two sounds kinda psycho and Number Three is scary."

"Let's see who you've won!" Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus shouted and spin-kicked the garishly painted cardboard partition.

Unfortunately for him, it's hard to spin-kick in a toga, and all he succeeded in doing was falling down. This was not a problem for Batchelorette Number One. She rammed the wall (which fell right on Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus) and hopped into Harry's arms. Her being a good six inches taller than he, this wasn't very comfortable for Harry.

Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, from under the sheet of cardboard, yelled, "Yes, you've won Arwen Undomiel! ACH, my ribs! Hu Hu weeeeze. The huuuh other Lucky Batchelorettes huuaaa were Christine Daae and uuuuf Catwoman!"

As a previously unnoticed chandelier swooped down and crashed into the seats, a masked man dressed all in black grabbed Christine and tried to escape with her. Before he could exit the building, however, hordes of screaming phans tackled him, hog tied him, and ran away with the mysterious man.

Harry watched this, quite bemused, and heard him exclaim ere he was drug out of sight, "Well that didn't work."

Then the studio spontaneously exploded.

Not really. Harry and Arwen left to go eat steak, and then went back to Hogwarts, where Ginny was plotting, Ron was sleeping, and Hermione was most likely doing something boring.

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Another end note here: If you can't tell I'm not a big fan of the movie version of Arwen. She annoys me, but she is fun to make fun of. If you like her I'm sorry, but I'll probably be making her do stupid stuff alot. Also, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus was a real historical Emperor of Rome. Anyone here read _I, Claudius_? Well see y'all later!


	10. The SHHHHlelujah Chorus

Hello there! I tried to get this chapter out as fast as I could to make up for the amount of time it took to get out the last chapter. This chapter might not be as funny as some of the others, but I needed it to pull everything together before the Masquerade Prom. I hope you enjoy it anyway. Chapter Ten, I never thought I'd get this far. Thanks everyone for the support. Now, without further ado...

Chapter Ten

The SHHHHH-lelujah Chorus

As the day of the Masquerade Prom drew closer, Ginny grew more and more excited. Her costume looked excellent (in her humble opinion) and her plans were complete. All she had to do now was sit back and relax…and dodge the amorous designs of what seemed like the complete male student body and Professor Logan. She had considered taping a sign to her forehead saying "I'm Taken", but she decided to just start wearing sunglasses and a trench coat wherever she went.

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Harry was quite smug. All the girls had stopped throwing themselves at him once they saw his hot date. It was a bit of a turn-off to them, him being tailed by a cute elf chick. Harry's only problem was that all the other guys kept hitting on Arwen. But hey, he thought to himself, I could have it a lot worse! At least I have a date.

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Hermione was in a continuous foul mood over Seamus breaking up with her. After what Ron did, she didn't blame him. Hermione blamed Ron! Every time she was near him, bad things started happening to Ron. First there was the arsenic in his cornflakes, the grenade in his bed, and the toaster in the bathtub. Then she got really nasty. Mushy love notes from Ron found their way into hideous Slytherins' pockets, he woke up wearing make-up, and, worst of all, _someone keyed his broom_!

This was all starting to tell on Ron's nerves, and he tried to stay near Harry and Arwen as much as possible so they could warn him of danger. Ron started paying first years to taste his food and always made someone go before him into any room. Harry was getting rather tired of this (it was cutting into his and Arwen's making out time), so after classes were over, he steered Ron into a seat in their common room to talk.

"Listen Ron, you've got to sort this thing out with Hermione. All these assassination attempts are really starting to bug me." Harry began sternly.

"What did I do wrong? All I did was save her from going out with a complete idiot! She should be thanking me!" Ron pouted.

"I don't know _why_ she's mad at you, but girls always expect you to apologize. It doesn't matter who did it. It doesn't matter what it was. She _expects_ you to apologize." Harry said, sagely.

Ron squared his shoulder and said, determinedly, "I'll do it then. I, Ron Weasely, will _apologize_!"

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Hermione was in the library, hunched over a book entitled _Assassination for the Mentally Handicapped_, when Ron walked in. He had walked determinedly the whole way to the library, but one look at the raging witch sapped all the determination out of him. He crept over the table she was sitting at and made a small "ahem" noise.

A seventh year doing "research" that involved a lot of wet slurpy noises said, "SHHHHHHHH!"

"What." Hermione hissed menacingly at Ron.

Two more people shushed.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Ron whispered and under his breath said, "For whatever it is I did."

Six other students added their voices to the, "SHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh Ron! I've been waiting days for you to say that!" Hermione whispered in an exclamatory kind of way and threw herself at the confused wizard.

Fifteen students now were "SHHHH"ing.

"Right." Ron said as he patted her on the back.

Now thirty-five students lent their voices the "SHHHHHHH"-lelujah Chorus.

"And I have the perfect way for you to make it up to me." Hermione smiled wickedly.

Fifty students chimed in as the "SHHHHHHHH!" crescendoed.

"Uh-oh."

Finally the whole library yelled, "Shut the $!& up!"

"What's your problem, you &!$?in' library dictators!" Ron and Hermione yelled in unison and skipped out hand in hand.

------------------------------

Aside from all the excitement over the prom, Ginny was rather dejected. She hadn't heard from Tom since their last date. She reasoned with herself saying that his mirror was broken, but she still felt a bit forsaken. She sat on her bed halfheartedly trying to finish a potions essay, but mostly just feeling sorry for herself. Then Ginny heard a sound coming from the mirror. She launched off of her bed, crashing into the floor.

"Oww…well _that_ didn't work."

She shook her head and snatched the mirror off of her nightstand. There he was!

"Tom! I've missed you so much!" Ginny gave him "the abandoned puppy-dog look".

"I know, Ginny, but I haven't had a minute off the job to steal another mirror." Tom explained.

"Are you sure there isn't another woman? That Bellatrix looked a little too friendly with you, if you ask me." Ginny questioned sharply.

"Aww, Ginny, who could compare with you? Who else can eat fifteen breadsticks in under a minute? Who else can juggle chainsaws? Who else can remember ALL of the words to Les Miserables?"

"You're too kind Tom." Ginny blushed, "But who wouldn't want a man who can actually win a prize from a claw machine, look hot in a sombrero, and unicycle across a tight-rope?"

"Ginny, we were made for each other." Tom asserted.

"You got that right, Stud. Now what I really wanted to talk to you about was that the Masquerade Prom is coming up soon, and I want you to be my date." said Ginny.

"Oh yeah, the Masquerade Prom. I remember going to that. One year I went as Godric Gryffindor, just to mess with their minds." Tom laughed, "So do you have a plan to get me in?"

"Of course."

And with that Ginny launched into a detailed description of her plan, using a crumpled up newspaper, a power point presentation, and a party hat.


	11. My Eyes Are Turning Yellow

Woo-Yooo! Chapter 11! Hey I'm filing chapter 11! Anyway, this chapter is a bit of an introduction for the Masquerade Prom; it kinda tells what costumes everyone is wearing. I promise next chapter will have the actual Masquerade. Till then, ciao!

Chapter Eleven

My Eyes Are Turning Yellow

Finally, the day of the Masquerade Prom had arrived. All of the students from fifth year and up (and a good many younger ones) were in a whirlwind of excitement. Under such conditions the teachers found it impossible to have class, and let the students out early. Small tributaries of witches and wizards gushed out of their classrooms into the rushing human tide flowing to their respective Common Rooms to prepare for the Masquerade.

-------------------------------------

Ginny examined her reflection carefully. She adjusted the pointy red ears rising from her hair and twirled to make her crimson skirt and fluffy red tail fly out. The young witch smiled pleasantly through her sable mask at the image, then spun around and opened her trunk, rummaged through it till she found the finishing touches for her costume. Turning back to the mirror, Ginny tugged her black gloves on and flopped to the floor, pulling her white tipped tail over her shoulder, so she could pull her black boots over the scarlet tights. _This_, she thought, _will be a night to remember!_

_--------------------------------------------- _

"Ron, you can come out now. We aren't going to laugh at your costume!" Hermione called through the bathroom door.

"Get the heck out of there, Ron. Some of us really gotta pee!" Harry yelled while hopping up and down with his hands between his legs.

"I feel stupid." , was the muffled reply.

"Come out, Ron, please! I picked out that costume myself." Hermione pleaded.

"My eyes are turning yellow here!" Harry began banging his head against the wall.

"I look like an idiot, Hermione! I'm not coming out."

"Pwetty Pwease, Wonny?" Hermione begged.

Harry pantomimed throwing up then kicked the door and bellowed, "Ron Weasely, get your stupid &!$ out here before my bladder explodes!"

"Nuh-uh."

"That's it! You're goin' down, Weasely!" Harry stepped back to get a running head start, but before he could ram into the door, the window exploded, and Professor Logan swung through the window frame.

"Did somebody need a door opened?" The Professor asked while flicking broken glass off of his shoulder.

"Err…Well, I was going to take care of it, but since you're here…" Harry trailed off.

"Right-o. Stand back kids, I'm a professional." Logan sprinted to the bathroom door and twisted to hit it with his shoulder. The door opened just as he was about to hit it and Logan went flying headfirst into the toilet. Ron gaped.

From the bowl came the sound of someone gargling, "Thaaat didnn't woooork!"

"What the heck was that? I heard a crash and then…" Ron shook his head. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"Oh, Ron, you look…great!" Hermione said with pained enthusiasm.

Ron hung his head and a large floppy pink ear fell in his face. He swatted at it with a pink fuzzy paw.

"Hermione, I just want you to know that it was you who destroyed my manhood. Now, excuse me while I go hang myself."

"Ok have fun." Harry was almost a blur as he rushed to the bathroom.

"Ron, you look fine. And to show you what a good sport I am, I'll let you choose my costume!" Hermione said as cheerfully as possible.

Professor Logan stumbled out of the bathroom and said, "Now…now, whi-whi-which one of you…is Paul MMMMcCartney? Don…Don't be shy." He then collapsed and Ron began half-heartedly nudging him with a furry pink boot.

------------------------------

An hour later, Ginny practically skipped down the stairs to the Common Room, her red tail waving behind her. Harry, Arwen, Hermione, and a very sour looking Ron were already assembled there.

"Mmm. That's a good look for you, Ron. You should dress as a pink bunny more often." Ginny snickered.

"So the Vixen is showing her true colors, eh?" Ron shot back.

Ginny ignored that and turned to Harry, who had a blue wizard's hat on his head, a blue mask, and a long blue cylinder wrapped around his body. His arms stuck out of holes cut in the sides at almost right angles. Arwen was wearing the same thing except in green.

"What _are_ you?" Ginny asked incredulously.

"We're crayons!" Harry and Arwen shouted together.

In unison, Hermione and Ginny said, "As soon as we get there, I don't know you."

Ginny then turned to look at Hermione's costume. A frighteningly pink wig was perched on her head, accenting her glow-in-the-dark plastic vampire fangs and black mask. Hermione's shirt was black with red and black stripped sleeves, perfectly matching her knee-length black skirt. The last touch was oversized black biker boots that came up to the middle of the witch's calves.

Hermione mumbled something about, "…never let Ron pick my costume again…"

Ron mumbled something along the lines of, "…wonder if it's possible to Avra Kedavra yourself…" (Ron meant Avada Kedavera. Avra Kedavra unclogs drains.)

Harry and Arwen were doing sickeningly cute things, like rubbing noses, and calling each other horrible nicknames, like Muffin and Hare-bear.

Ginny decided to leave before she puked. She crawled out the portrait hole and ran down the stairs to the Entrance Hall, where lots of costumed guests from Hogsmeade and the surrounding areas were milling around. Ginny was looking for one person in particular (if you can't guess you're a rutabaga), but nowhere did she see the costume that he had told her he would wear. Then, she saw him; he was dressed resplendently in a hooded black robe with a plastic mask that looked like a ghost going "OOOOO" (like the kind you can buy at the drugstore). Ginny practically floated over to him and grabbed his hand. He squeezed hers back.

Ginny rested her head on Tom's shoulder and said, "You look good in black."

"Pff! I should, you know the whole 'evil overlord' thing." Tom's laugh was muffled by his mask, "You look pretty good yourself."

"Do I look foxy?"

"Very."

Wink wink, nudge nudge.


	12. I Am Spartacus

I am SO sorry this took so long to get out! To make it up to ya'll this is two parts, and this first one is a 1,700 word monster. (NOTE: If anybody was worried about me picking on Ron, the Pink bunny costume was his punishment for running Seamus off. That's all.) You may want to listen to "Killer Queen" by Queen before you read this. It's not neccessary, but it's a good song!

Chapter Twelve: Part One

"I Am Spartacus!"

Ginny pulled Tom into the Great Hall, which had been completely redecorated for the Masquerade Prom. The only light came from a collection of disco balls and candles burning in different colors that threw rainbow-y shadows on every surface. On each wall a banner from one of the four houses hung over a concession stand filled with sugary, hyperactivity inducing sweets. In one corner a platform had been raised for the band, and a dance floor had been roped off in the middle of the Hall. Clumps of costumed students drifted around the room, waiting for Dumbledore to announce the start of the festivities.

Ginny and Tom meandered over to the Gryffindor snack bar, labeled "Godric's Grub", and began eating sour, sugar-coated candy straws. Tom had a somewhat difficult time getting it under his mask, causing him to lash out in anger at a defenseless Hufflepuff dressed as a slice of pizza.

"Dumb costume anyway." Tom growled as he and Ginny watched the pizza run around with his hair on fire.

"You've got to be careful Tom. If Dumbledore suspects anything, he wouldn't hesitate to try and kill you." The girl warned.

"_I_ suspect Dumbledore has been getting shots of firewhisky from the kitchens for the last few hours." Tom replied, watching Dumbledore weave about the Hall.

Ginny smiled and said, "It could be Jack Daniels. Professor Logan has been rather liberal with it all day."

At the moment Professor Logan was taking pulls from a hip flask while pulling his date, a Ravenclaw seventh year named Jean Grey, onto his lap. Either Logan hadn't bathed or shaved for a few days or he was dressed as Aragorn. Maybe both.

Ginny was surprised by the behavior of all the teachers. Logan was the only one with a student date, but most were openly drinking alcohol and acting very…umm unteacherlike.

Dumbledore, dressed as Colonel Sanders, was wildly waving his hands around, arguing with his date, Professor McGonagall, who was dressed as a roller skating waitress. Professor Flitwick, who had pulled a spandex book cover on his head and tied a black tablecloth around his neck, was lurking above the Ravenclaw's concession stand (Ravenclaw's Repast) pretending to be Batman. His date, Professor Sprout, was (unsurprisingly) dressed as a potted plant and seemed to be having an animated conversation with a bouquet of flowers on the table. Hagrid, (or as Tom called him "Fat Hairy Scapegoat") who was dancing the funky chicken with Professor Binns, was dressed as a fire hydrant.

Just then, Professor Snape walked into the Great Hall. A startled gasp emanated from the flabbergasted students. The sunglasses, the slicked back hair, the long black coat. The crowd began to murmur, "Neo?" and then to shout, "Neo! Neo! Neo!" until they forgot what they were shouting about and quieted back down. Snape had watched all this passively and then sat on one of the benches labeled "Wallflower" after the hubbub had died down.

------------------------------

By this time all of the students had arrived, including Ron, Hermione, and Harry with Arwen tagging along. Harry and Arwen had very limited mobility in their crayon costumes so they had to hop to get where they wanted to go. Ron slouched and shuffled hoping no one would realize who was in the pink bunny costume, while Hermione tried to hurry him along.

On their way to "Godric's Grub", the quartet stopped by the Slytherin concession (Slytherin's Sustenance). All of the male Slytherins (Slytheranians? Slythereens?) seemed to be wearing Roman armor, so just to put a kink in their works, Ron asked, "Which one of you is Spartacus?"

One stood and said, "I am Spartacus."

Then behind him three others said, "I am Spartacus."

One by one they all joined in until the entire male populous of Slytherin House was shouting, "I am Spartacus!"

"Oh shut up, you fools." ,Draco shouted, "I told you people, I'm Spartacus. Just because I'm off getting drinks doesn't mean you can go usurping my position."

The Slytherins all began murmuring apologies and sitting down.

----------------------------

Over in the corner the band was setting up. Half of the band members appeared to be ghosts and the other half seemed to be trying to look like them. The lead guitarist, one of the wraiths, opened his translucent case and pulled out a spectral guitar that dripped tongues of black flames. The more corporeal bass player hefted a blood-red bass guitar with "save the gerbils" scratched through the paint job. The drummer, one of the live ones, was setting up her kick drum which had the band's name and slogan, "The Phantasmal Phour: Big Bloody Bandstand Explosion Tour", painted on it in drippy black letters. The apparitional lead singer was floating a foot above the platform doing somersaults.

Ron sauntered over and asked, "Are you the imprint of a departed soul?"

The lead singer hung upside down and gave Ron a nasty glare that sent the wizard scurrying to the Gryffindor section.

-----------------------------

As the Phantasmal Phour started playing, Ginny pulled Tom onto the dance floor. The first dance was the Electric Slide and practically everyone joined in; though, Hagrid was a bit overenthusiastic, and ended up sending a few students flying into the walls. The Electric Slide morphed into the Virginia Reel and many of the teachers and older guests began dancing. Dumbledore was cutting the rug out there, and he danced pretty well too(That was horribly corny. I just couldn't resist). Ginny and Tom sat out a few songs until Ginny coerced Tom to do the Jitterbug with her. After that they collapsed onto the wallflower bench and threw bits of paper at a fifth year Gryffindor dressed as a pirate until he got them drinks.

-----------------------------

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were sitting on a bench watching the dancers. Hermione looked more than a little miffed.

Finally she burst out, "Ron, don't you ever dance? I can feel myself aging while we sit here!"

"Hermione," Ron said slowly, "I can't dance. At all. I'm horrible. Please do not make me embarrass myself anymore than I already have."

"PLEASE OH PLEASE! Ron, PLEASE!" Hermione begged.

"No!" Ron said emphatically.

"Fine! I'll go ask _Draco_!" Hermione screeched and hopped up to go through with her threat.

"If that MEANS you'll LEAVE me ALONE, that's FINE with ME!" Ron bellowed.

"ALRIGHT, I'LL GO!" Hermione screamed and stomped off.

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!" Everyone around them shouted.

-----------------------------

"Stupid, non-dancing, moronic, fat headed, funny looking, IDIOT!" Hermione's voice rose from a mutter to a shriek by the end of her tirade.

People stared at the fuming witch as she stomped over to the Slytherin side. Hermione marched up to Draco, looked him in the eye, and said, "Hey you! Wanna dance?"

Draco and Cho were sitting on the wallflower bench drinking punch when Hermione stormed over. Draco was wearing a burnished breastplate, leather skirt, and black-crested helmet. Cho, as a swan, was garbed in a flowing white dress, black flippers, and a bill tied over her mouth.

"Well, I've always loved a girl with pink hair. Ok, sure I'll dance." Draco calmly answered. He pushed Cho off of the bench, grabbed Hermione's hand, and led her to the dance floor where everyone was dancing in a conga line.

------------------------------

Ginny and Tom were sitting on a bench catching their breath after a fast dance when Ron and Harry came over.

"Hey Ginny, who's your friend in the mask?" Harry asked nonchalantly.

"Him? Oh…um…This is…Marvin! He's visiting Hogsmeade for the…err…Wizard's Chess Tournament this weekend. He's a fabulous dancer isn't he?" Ginny improvised.

Tom began breathing loudly through his mouth and tried to make his voice as nasal as possible. "This party is so great. I'm glad I watched that 'Dancing Guide for the Mentally Handicapped' video."

"Well I'm glad that you finally decided to dump Voldemort." Tom made a noise that Harry misconstrued as a gasp. "You-Know-Who I mean. I think that Ron and I can help you find a good man, Ginny."

"That's very…sweet, Harry, but I think I can find my own boyfriends." Ginny smile merely bared her teeth.

"The last one you found was an evil overlord more than four times older than you." Ron pointed out dryly.

To forestall any violence, Ginny grabbed Tom's arm, quickly said, "It's been wonderful talking to you, but I think I'll just go and introduce Marvin to a few people. See ya later. bu-bye.", and then fled, pulling the wizard with her.

Ron and Harry watched them go and after a pause, which Ron spent gazing at Hermione doing the Bump with Draco, he said, "Harry, I think it's time a called in that favor with Scotty."

"Ok. Go ahead." Harry waved his hand airily and stared after Ginny.

Ron snatched a fuzzy pink mitten off and shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling out a square black item.

Speaking into the box he said, "It's time for you to pay up for that favor, Scotty. I want you to beam down Padme...I don't care if you need more power and don't call me captain!...Thank you, Scotty, give my regards to Kirk and Sulu…oh and tell Spock to shove it."

Ron slipped the box back into his pocket and pulled his mitten back on. The air started to shimmer in front of the wizard until it resolved itself into the form of Padme Amidala, Queen of Naboo.

"Ronny! It's so great to see you! How's Kirk and the gang?" Padme said as she gave Ron a hug.

"They're all doing as good as ever. How goes it in the Senate." Ron returned her hug.

"Oh, as well as can be expected I suppose." She said. "So what's this party for?"

"It's the Hogwarts Masquerade Prom. I was wondering if you'd like to be my date. A bit late to be asking, I know, but better late than never, right?" Ron slicked back a pink ear that had fallen in his face.

"Of course I'll be your date, Ronny! I'm already in costume it seems." And it was true. Padme's court regalia made an excellent costume.

Ron, in all his pink bunny glory, linked arms with Padme and strolled to the Gryffindor concession stand as Harry gaped.


	13. Gin Weasel

Hope you liked part one. I liked part two better. I'd just like to take this time to thank my reviewers. You people are awesome. Since I haven't don it in a while I guess I'll do a disclaimer. Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Padme Amidala. If I did I would make this a movie. Wouldn't that be cool?

Chapter Twelve: Part Deaux

Gin Weasel

Dumbledore stood and clapped his hands. His nose was red and his eyes were a bit unfocused, but Dumbledore's voice only slurred a bit as he said, "Peoplesh, peoplesh, I've-hic-jusht notished that it'sh dinner time, and I'm sure you all musht-hic- be hungry. I will now shummon the tables. Do not be-hic-frightened."

He waved his wand and, near the ceiling, mismatched tables popped into existence and fell to the floor. One fell on Colin Creevy, but no one really cared. The Headmaster waved his wand again and an odd collection of chairs shot up from the floor. Dumbledore settled into his beanbag chair and ordered two burritos and a tequila shooter, which appeared on the table in front of him.

Ron sunk into a La-z-boy while Padme spun around in a rolling office chair. He ordered himself a cheeseburger and fries and suggested she get the baby back ribs. Harry couldn't exactly sit so he commandeered a fainting couch. He was alone now because the minute Arwen had seen Professor Logan she had clamped on to him barnacle-like and not left his side since. Draco was sitting on a bar stool a few tables away with Hermione firmly ensconced in his lap. Hermione divided her time between smooching with the Slytherin and shooting Ron poisonous glances. Draco, meanwhile, was trying to eat a basket of cheese fries, but was finding it rather hard to eat with Hermione trying to suck his face off. Tom and Ginny were both sitting in a huge wing-backed armchair, sharing a milkshake as well as they could with Tom wearing his face-covering mask.

------------------------------

Ron was having a lot of fun on his date with Padme. She laughed at his jokes and never lectured him about being crude. She knew who he was making fun of when he started making out with his cheeseburger, pointedly not looking at Hermione. Padme ate the sugar out of the sugar packets and thought he had a cute nose. _Yes_, he decided, _I think Draco can have Hermione._

_------------------------------------ _

Soon enough the tables popped out of existence and the chairs sunk into the floor, causing many people to fall flat on their butts. Ginny helped pull Tom to his feet and smiled at him cheerfully as he rubbed the affected area. He twisted his foot around and caught the back of her knee, sending her crashing to the floor. Before this could escalate any further, Dumbledore stood to announce the winners of the contests.

"The winner of the-hic-besht-hic-besht-hic- coshtume award goesh to…Harmo…Hemo…Hemophiliac Bilaboo."

"That's Harmonia Bilboa!" The winning Ravenclaw shouted.

She gathered up her voluminous ice-blue skirts and trudged up to snatch the trophy out of Dumbledore's hands. Her sparkling golden wings jounced around as she stomped back to her seat.

"Wha'ever." Dumbledore mumbled. "Nexsht for besht danshing ish…Bu…Bunky Turdo!"

"My name's Buckminster Tobago!"

"Yeah, uh-huh." Dumbledore slurred as the Hufflepuff minced up and snatched his trophy.

"And thu one you all've been wait'n for…the Mashquerade Monarch-whish I absholutely di not take bribes for!-ish…Gin Weasel!...I bet thash a good drink."

Ginny stood up excitedly and glanced at Tom, who was trying to whistle innocently. She walked quickly up and accepted the crown and trophy.

"Now-hic-now we'll all shing the shemi-official Mashquerade Shong, inshtituted by our own alumni, Shiriush-hic-Black and performed by the ghosht of Freddy Mercury. Hit it!"

The Phantasmal Phour started playing as another ghost burst through the walls singing,

"She keeps her Moet et Chandon  
In her pretty cabinet  
'Let them eat cake' she says  
Just like Marie Antoinette  
A built-in remedyFor Kruschev and Kennedy  
At anytime an invitation  
You can't decline

Caviar and cigarettes  
Well versed in etiquette  
Extraordinarily nice"

All of the students joined in on the refrain

"She's a Killer Queen  
Gunpowder, gelatine  
Dynamite with a laser beam  
Guaranteed to blow your mind  
Anytime"

The students tried (and failed) to crowd surf Freddy as he sang,

"Ooh, recommended at the price  
Insatiable in appetite  
Wanna try?

To avoid complications  
She never kept the same address  
In conversation  
She spoke just like a baroness  
Met a man from China  
Went down to Geisha Minah  
Then again incidentally  
If you're that way inclined

Perfume came naturally from Paris (The band echoed "naturally")  
For cars she couldn't care less  
Fastidious and precise

Again all the students chimed in

"She's a Killer Queen  
Gunpowder, gelatine  
Dynamite with a laser beam  
Guaranteed to blow your mind  
Anytime"

The Phantasmal Phour's lead guitarist melodramatically shredded the guitar solo; at each note he hit tongues of flame dripped from the belly of the instrument, until Freddy took up the tune again,

"Drop of a hat she's as willing as  
Playful as a pussycat  
Then momentarily out of action  
Temporarily out of gas  
To absolutely drive you wild, wild…"

Everyone in the Great Hall roared out the last refrain,

"She's a Killer Queen  
Gunpowder, gelatine  
Dynamite with a laser beam  
Guaranteed to blow your mind  
Anytime

Ooh, recommended at the price  
Insatiable in appetite  
Wanna try?"

Freddy Mercury bowed and faded away to thunderous applause. Ginny's face was redder than her hair as she walked back to hide behind Tom.

Dumbledore stood back up and said, "…I can't remember-hic-what I wash gunna shay…never mind."

The students all looked at him funny, but then stood to dance as the band started up again.

Tom leaned over and whispered to Ginny, "Are you ready to leave?"

She gave him a sour look. "Yes."

Tom pulled out his wand and Imperious'd Harry to go and punch a big burly Slytherin. The Slytherin tried to punch Harry, but missed and hit a Ravenclaw who fell into a Hufflepuff. Suddenly the whole room was a riot. Everyone was wailing on someone else. Colin Creevy spin kicked a Slytherin seventh year in the face, while Hermione was busting a chair across Lavender Brown's teeth. A circle had cleared around Ron and Padme as Ron proved that he could still do martial arts in a pink bunny outfit. Harry and Draco had squared off and were staring angrily at one another, but neither appeared to want to move anytime soon. In this pandemonium, no one noticed Tom and Ginny leave until they were out the door. Harry hailed Ron, grabbed Hermione, and ran after the escapees. Ron, followed by Padme, trailed after them.

Tom and Ginny didn't stop running until they were outside of Hogwarts's grounds. Tom pulled his mask of and shook his head, nearly causing Ginny to start drooling.

Suddenly, behind them they heard a shout, "Hey, you're not Marvin! You're _Voldemort_!"

"That's right Harry! Say good-bye to Ginny, because you won't see her anytime soon!" Tom laughed, grabbed Ginny by the waist, and spun quickly. They both winked out of sight with a small pop.


	14. Of Malfoy and Mopeds

Hello eveyone! I really hope this chapter is up to scratch; I'm starting to feel rather insecure about the quality of my work. That aside, I don't think this story will have too many more chapters. I'll miss it so! I can't think of anything else to say, so...

Chapter 13

Of Malfoy and Mopeds

Harry skidded to a halt at the spot where Ginny and Voldemort had stood moments before. He furiously pulled out his notebook and flipped a few pages.

"I'm gonna ?$&in' beat the $!&? out of that ?$&!in' &?$!&!$." Harry screamed at the top of his lungs.

Just as Harry was about to launch into another explicit tirade, Hermione elbowed him in the gut, causing him to double over in pain.

A grenade was suddenly thrown from the bushes. Fortunately, the pin was still in place.

"I swear, when will these people learn to use grenades?" Hermione implored the heavens.

Harry had picked up the grenade and was whirling it around his finger by the pin, when the grenade part disengaged from the pin part. The hand-held explosive landed a ways away and created a gaping crater that might, or more likely won't, affect the storyline.

"Oops."

Harry and Ron, forgetting completely the enormous explosion, yelled their battle cries and dived into the undergrowth. The two girls listened, horrified, to the sounds drifting from the shrubbery.

POW!

BASH!

"Woops! Didn't mean to do that!"

SOCK!

PINGGG!

Hermione began checking her watch, and Padme started filing her nails.

WAP!

"My bad!"

CRASH!

SPLAT!

"Eww! Eww! Eww!"

YOINK!

Padme was beginning to yawn, and Hermione had pulled out a hand mirror and was fixing her hair.

CRACK-POW!

DONG!

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Reeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

FWOOOSH!

"Well _that_ didn't work!"

BOING!

"That's it! I'm going in there!" Padme shouted and stepped toward the bushes.

"Hold on! Something's coming out!" Hermione stepped on the train of Padme's dress, causing the queen to fall face first into the dirt.

A dark lumpy shape rose up revealing itself to be…Ron and Harry holding up a battered figure who happened to be…Draco Malfoy.

"Ptoo! Ronny!" Padme spit the dirt out of her mouth and ran to hug Ron.

Hermione rushed to comfort Draco, but before she could reach him Harry and Ron had thrown him to the ground and were questioning the Slytherin.

"So. Where were you on the night of July 31?" Harry snapped

"What does that have to do with anything?" Draco asked woozily.

"It's my birthday." Harry scribbled "didn't remember my birthday" in his notebook.

"Let me take over for a while." said Ron, "Ok, Malfoy, why were you in those bushes; how much did you see?

Draco kept going cross-eyed, but he answered as best as he could. "I followed Hermione. I wanted to see where she was going. I hid in the bushes when I saw Ginny and that other guy apparate, then you people jumped me."

Harry hoisted Draco up by his collar. "Do you know where Voldemort's secret hide-out is?"

"I might, but then again, I might not." Draco tried to look down his nose at Harry, but only succeeded in going cross-eyed again.

"Out with it, rodent!" Harry shook Draco until he looked decidedly green.

"Harry, I'd watch out if I was you. Malfoy looks like he's gonna spew." Ron warned.

"That's S.P.E.W., Ron." Hermione shouted loudly.

"No, I mean, like, he'll toss his cookies, loose his lunch, barf, upchuck, hurl, blow chunks, chog, vomit, heave-"

"That's quite enough, Ronald; I see your point." Hermione interrupted dryly.

Harry was trying to jot down some notes in his notebook.

"Excuse me, but weren't you trying to interrogate me? Not that listing synonyms for vomiting isn't _fascinating_." Draco said coldly.

"Right, right. Ok, Malfoy you're gonna lead us to Voldemort's secret hide-out, or we'll show everyone these blackmail worthy, _not_ photo-shopped, images of you kicking a fuzzy puppy!" Harry growled.

"How could you!" sobbed Padme, "It's so _fuzzy_!"

"Alright! I'll do it! Don't show the puppy!" Draco cringed.

"Good. Good!" Harry rubbed his hands together. Lightning cut jagged swathes across the sky as he laughed evilly.

--------------------------------

"Ow! Damn it! That's the fifth tree you've run me into, you sadist!" Draco whined.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness! Would you rather have Harry lead you?" Ron snarled.

"Nonononono! Thank you. I'm just lovely. You're doing a wonderful job. Really!" Draco sputtered.

Harry was stroking his wand and chuckling, so every now and then a lightning bolt raced across the sky. Draco shivered.

Ron was marching behind Draco with his wand trained to the Slytherin's back, and Draco's feet hanging uselessly six inches above the loamy forest floor. The two girls trudged somewhat sullenly after the boys. Padme was having a terrible time with her voluminous skirts getting caught on brambles and branches. She had fallen several times, getting leaves down the front of her dress; the queen's hair was also troubling her, so she whipped off her head piece and the pad that made it seem like she had even _more_ hair than she really did. Then Padme pulled the knife out of her boot (can't be too careful) and cut away her skirts until they were only about to her knees. She looked _really_ funny, but at least she was mobile.

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Finally, the quintet arrived at a crumbling tower deep in the heart of the Forbidden Forest. Ron released Draco, who fell to his knees. He looked left; he looked right. Draco sniffed the air, and then dashed through the dilapidated arch-way.

"So, this is Voldemort's hide-out?" Padme asked incredulously.

"No, this is just where I hide the mopeds." Draco said calmly, wheeling out several of the aforementioned vehicles.

Harry smacked his forehead, and Ron sighed deeply. Padme hopped onto a bright red moped, while Hermione chose a green one. Draco revved his silver machine as Harry and Ron grabbed their own mopeds; black and blue respectively.

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Five minutes later, the five were speeding down the highway on their brightly-hued mopeds.

"Doesn't anyone else think it's odd to have a highway in the middle of the Forbidden Forest?" Hermione queried.

They ignored her.

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At long last, the young people braked in front of a deserted McDonald's. Draco hopped off of his moped and walked to the dumpster. Dramatically, he kicked open one side and dived into the smelly, graffiti covered dumpster. The other four reluctantly followed.


	15. How To Use That Grenade

Sob! Sob! This is it folks! The last chapter of Whats His Name vs the World. I want to thank everyone, but especially zan189 for being my BEST reviewer. Give it up for the waitress at the japanese steakhouse! I'd also like to dedicate this story to Mountain Dew, because without it I never would have been hyper enough to think of most of this mess.  
Last Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any McDonald's dumpsters, although, you know, I love hanging out in them.

Chapter Fourteen

The End of It All: How to Use That Grenade

Five people were crammed inside a disgusting McDonald's dumpster, trash juice soaking their shoes. Four of the five had expressions of revulsion mixed with rage, while the fifth stood calmly like he hung out in dumpsters for fun.

"Malfoy, what the !&?$ is going on here?" Harry growled dangerously.

"All the Death Eaters are required to go to certain spots, 'terminals' we call them, and wait for pick up." Draco said matter-of-factly.

"Why a filthy dumpster?" Padme asked weakly, clutching her stomach.

"This isn't actually a terminal; I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to follow me into a dumpster." Draco smiled smugly.

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"I think he's out cold; maybe we shouldn't have rammed his head against the wall that last time." Hermione said while checking his pulse.

"He deserved it." Ron and Harry said together.

"Look, I'll just get Scotty to beam us there." Padme suggested.

"First can we make some outfit adjustments?" Harry said.

The four looked at each other, still in their costumes, and burst out laughing. Harry ripped his tube off, showing that all he had on underneath was his boxers. Ron had an undershirt and boxers under his bunny suit. Hermione left her costume on, (much to someone's disappointment) but spat out her vampire fangs and took off her pink wig. Padme had already fixed her costume, but she ripped off another strip of skirt to tie her hair back.

Feeling a bit more prepared, the quartet gathered together as Padme paged Scotty.

"Hello, Scotty; it's Padme. Can you do me a favor, and transport me and my friends to Voldemort's secret hideout? …Mmmhmm…yes…I think so…Oh about three hundred fifty degrees…Fahrenheit duh!...four fried chickens and a coke…And step on it!"

The party started to waver and thin, then rematerialize inside a large empty room.

Harry immediately took the lead, "Ok gang, let's split up! Ron, you and Padme go up those stairs, and Hermione and I will go through that hallway."

The two teams split up and ran.

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"Harry, is there something you aren't telling me?" Hermione panted as she and Harry jogged.

"Like what?" gasped Harry, confused.

"Are you a H/Hr shipper?"

"No! Hermione, I thought you knew I was a H/G shipper. That's why I'm going to all the trouble of rescuing the girl! Anyway, I thought you were a R/Hr shipper." Harry panted.

"Well, I was kinda going with Draco to make Ron jealous, but he really seems to like Padme. Maybe I'll just keep going after Draco." Hermione explained sadly.

Harry tried to pat her back in mid-jog.

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"Padme, don't you think we should've hit some traps by now? This is really making me nervous." Ron was whipping his head from side to side, trying to catch a whiff of danger.

"WeAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Padme screamed as she fell through a trap door.

"That answered that question." Ron dove through the hole after the queen.

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Harry and Hermione ran out a doorway and stopped abruptly. In front of them was a small ledge and after that a dizzying drop into a dark abyss. Before Hermione and Harry could turn around, the door shut behind them leaving the duo stranded on the ledge. Harry searched quickly and spotted an open doorway across the abyss and a few feet lower. He reached into his underwear and pulled out a grappling hook, which he spun around and threw across the chasm. The grappling hook twirled lazily in the air then caught on a pipe with a loud _thunk_.

Harry puffed his scrawny chest out and tried to look bold and adventurous "Ok, Hermione, you grab hold of me and I'll swing us across."

Hermione frowned worriedly, but still latched onto the boy. She gave him a peck on the cheek and said, "For luck."

"Now who's the H/Hr shipper!" Harry exclaimed.

"Geez, can't a girl show affection in a platonic relationshiWOAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Hermione yelped as Harry swung across and through to the lower doorway.

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"Uh Ronny? Could you please get offa me?" Padme voice was muffled by the sixteen year old on her head.

Ron hopped up and started dusting the queen off. "Sorry! Accident!"

"Ronny? Duck!" Padme screeched and pulled Ron back on top of her as Harry and Hermione flew by.

"We've really got to stop meeting like this." Ron said slyly.

Padme just pushed him off and went to see if the other two were alright.

Hermione was wrapped tightly around Harry's chest, with eyes as big as saucers. Harry was laughing triumphantly at his heroic exploit.

It took the combined efforts of Harry, Ron, and Padme to pry Hermione off; and she still shook uncontrollably as the four trotted down the hallway.

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Finally, the group reached a set of heavy steel doors with a large snake carved into them. Harry gathered his courage and flung open the doors.

"Oh Eww!" he shrieked, quite unmanly-like.

Ginny and Voldemort were curled up on the couch making out passionately. With a _pop_ the two disengaged and stood to face their attackers.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Ginny's face was red for a number of different reasons and her hair was mussed.

"We're trying to rescue you!" Harry yelled.

"Well I don't want rescuing! I love Tom and he loves me." She looked doe eyed at the scourge of the wizarding world for a moment, then rounded on Harry again. "I'm staying and that's final!"

"Ok gang! Plan Alpha!" Harry lunged at Ginny and grabbed her hand, while Padme paged Scotty. Hermione smiled and pulled something out of her pocket.

"Ok folks this is how you use a grenade!" Hermione laughed shrilly as she pulled the pin out and threw the explosive.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Padme, and Ginny all started to thin. The last thing Ginny saw, as the grenade went off, was Tom spinning and disapperating.

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Two days later, Ginny was still sitting on her bed sobbing and not talking to anyone. She drifted to the window to stare at the landscape forlornly, but was hit in the face by a large owl. It raised its leg for her to untie the message then flew off. Ginny grinned evilly as she read the message:

Meet me in the Forbidden Forest at nine.

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We can't end like this! Ok every body, One, Two, Three!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK!"


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